It's an interesting thing when dealing with our own personal insecurities. Martin Luther writes "It is certain that man must utterly despair of his own ability before he is prepared to receive the grace of Christ"
The Apostle Paul had an uncanny walk with Christ. You would think someone who penned 2/3rds the New Testament would have somewhat of a healthy spiritual stance. But as I read the chronicles of Paul throughout his and Luke's writings ... he has a slow downward trajectory.
"I am the least of the Apostles, unworthy to even be considered an Apostle, for I persecuted God's church" (1Cor 15:9)
" I am the VERY least of all the saints" (Eph 3:8)
"Christ came into the world to save all sinners, who I am the foremost" (1Tim 1:15)
Paul is a person we consider to be a "Heavy Weight" of the Christian Faith ... if there were a CFHWCOTW Belt (Christian Faith Heavy Weight Champion Of The World) ...Paul would probably be a contender ... BUT! ... he considers himself SO far less than even those who don't yet KNOW Christ ... He dictates that he is "the foremost of all sinners", other translations say "Chief-Sinner" ...
I love my job. Like any job it has it's ups and downs ... but the ups rocket past the downs which make it so worth it. For the last few weeks now, my wife has been enjoying her first semester at USF, studying dance. Before her enrollment we went over finances and thought we would JUST squeak by (which we were ok with). SO, she quit her jobs, maintaining a small job as a dance instructor at a local studio. Some weeks have past and some changes have been made with our previous finances. We're not really squeaking by ... we're slowly feeling the water around our ankles.
My initial reaction was to just be calm, pray, find a better way to provide ... this was a few weeks ago ... nothing has really happened. I still stand on the ideal that God IS my provision. I was told once "God doesn't just plop things in the peoples laps who just sit there doing nothing ... asking God to do something ... but he sees those who do as much as they can ... and does the rest" ... I'm a firm believer in this. AND SO! After a few days of slight depression, a little freaking out, and just asking my wife to play with my hair as I thumb over the "what to do's" ... the search for second employment is in full affect! Now let me clarify, I'm a work horse ... whatever needs to be done ... I'll do it. No complaints. The idea of 2 jobs wasn't the issue ... it was the 50+ hrs at The Station, and the already absent feeling my wife and I have been feeling .....
Now you may be asking yourself .. how do those Pauline scriptures tie into my freak out over secondary employment? ... great question
See Paul was aware of his insecurities, and IN them Glorified Christ. We're taught that you never want to "Put yourself down" ... but Paul came to the realization that he is NOTHING .. BECAUSE of his insecurities and because of Christ.
My insecurities allow me to "freak-out" because I want nothing more than to provide for my family, be a rock to my wife and support my wife in the things she feels God has for her ... even if that means to "put myself down" and realize "I have done all that I can in my pursuit to provide as a husband ... God ... please do the rest" In my insecurities I'm allowed to see just how big God is, because I'm not. He is, in the areas I can't be. It's remarkable the realization Paul comes to when writing to the Churches ... He is the LEAST because of how he sees God.
In the frailties of my foundation ... I'm insecure, I believe we all are (and if you think you're secure .. you might just be lying to yourself) ... God is my rock .. not me ... as stable as I try to be ... its like a House boat ... waves ... but God ... God IS the very Ocean I float on. My scope of my foundation tends to go no farther than my dock ... but Gods foundational scope .... is ridiculously big.
Vulnerability is a good thing :)
Until Next Time